


Written in the Stars

by vvolfandhound



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Explicit Language, London, M/M, Texting, asexual!Remus, demiromantic!Sirius, transmale!Sirius
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-03 03:29:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4084990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vvolfandhound/pseuds/vvolfandhound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius finds a phone number during his wanderings of the London streets and texts it. On the other end is the sarcastic, possibly-a-gigolo, Remus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Number

**Author's Note:**

> Bold is Sirius  
> Italics are Remus

**u realize this # is written in at least 9 places in london?**

_Is it?_

**yea**

_Cool._

**cool? usually thts not a good thing**

_I don’t really care?_

**how can u not care? like if my # was in 4 public bathrooms, 1 mcdonalds bathroom, 3 park benches, and spraypainted on the side of a fish’n’chips shop, i’d care.**

**a lot.**

_A fish’n’chips shop?_

**that’s what you take from this?**

_Look, I just don’t care._

**okay new tactic**

**no one’s txtd u before about this?**

_I’ve received random texts but no one’s mentioned how they got my number._

**wow**

**wait, did you ask them how they got ur number?**

_No._

**wow, again**

**isn’t that like dangerous or something?**

**someone could stalk u?**

_Hasn’t happened yet so --_* >*_--_

**wat was that?**

_A shrug._

**it was terrible.**

_Thank you for crapping on my artistic abilities._

**ur welcome.**

_In return, I shall ask a question of you based on how you texts._

_How did you pass primary school?_

**was that supposed to insult me?**

**cause that was too formal to be an insult.**

_Of course it was -.-_

**oi!**

_What? It was well-deserved._

**piss off you bloody wanker!**

_You’re the one still texting me._

**fuck you and goodbye.**

_Have a nice life!_

* * *

 

**i found ur # again**

_Do you have my number memorized by heart?_

**i have your in my contacts under posh bimbo**

_How sweet._

_PS: I’m male_

**i guessed that but i don’t know names for male whores**

_How about Posh Gigolo?_

**fine posh gigolo – i have found ur number again & recognized it because i have it in my contacts**

_Ah. Where’d you find it?_

**abandoned warehouse on eade road.**

_Hm. Wonder how it got there?_

**i thought u were doing it because you were a GIGOLO**

**unless u’ve been asking your hookups to advertise**

**either way – GIGOLO**

_Is that how you picture me?_

**yes – also arrogant, horny, and a jerkass**

_Not bad, not bad. I like to think there’s some intellect in there too._

**having ur # all over london isn’t smart**

_Intellect =/= smart_

**sureee**

**i gtg, crazy gigolo**

_I thought I was posh?_

* * *

 

**ur not**

**posh that is**

**posh people don’t have their # written all over london**

_Did you find my number again?_

**no. just responding**

_Aw, thank you then. I was dying of curiosity._

**fuck ur sarcasm**

**so…**

**still don’t kno how ur # got all over the place?**

_This thing with my number seems to be bugging you._

**well its fucking ridiculous**

_I don’t really care. Also no, I don’t know who decided to write my number everywhere._

**so u aren’t some fuckboy then?**

_No, I’m not some fuckboy._

_I hope that doesn’t disappoint you._

**why would i want 2 fuck someone whose # is all over london like a gigolo?**

_You’re really hung up on that._

**yea, i am. u should b 2**

_PS: your texting is getting worse._

**piss OFF**


	2. The Second Number

**guess what?!**

_Oh fuck, another one?_

**wow – that’s the most appropriate reaction i’ve gotten out of u**

_So you found another one?_

**yea – in a nando’s bathroom**

_I wasn’t invited to any cheeky nando’s though!_

**boo-hoo**

**UR # WAS IN THE BATHROOM OF A POPULAR RESTERAUNT DOES THIS NOT CONCERN YOU?**

_Again, no._

_It’s not like it isn’t a bit strange, but so far all I’ve gotten is a couple new texting buddies._

**THAT’S IT??? THAT’S ALL YOU THINK? IT’S A BIT STRANGE? THAT’S A FUCKING UNDERSTATEMENT!!!!**

_You are sure worked up about this._

**YOU SHOULD BE TOO!!!**

_AND YOU SHOULD STOP YELLING!!!_

**fine i’ll stop**

**but u should still be concerned about this**

_I would be but there is nothing, absolutely nothing, I can do about it._

**think about it!!**

_Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. What’re you gonna do about it?_

**ignore u**

* * *

**okay so fuck u**

**like, i try to ignore u but i can’t because ur # keeps showing up EVERYWHERE and ruining my great london odyssey.**

_Great London Odyssey? What are you? An art-house film?_

**NOT THE POINT**

_STOP YELLING_

**Fine.**

**i found ur # AGAIN – this time spray painted on the side of an abandoned building.**

_What color was the spray paint?_

**why the fuck does it matter?**

_I’m curious._

**GREEN**

_DON’T YELL!!!_

**fine.**

_Look, thank you for telling me about this. I know this is hard for you to grasp, but I just don’t care._

**ur insane**

_Thank you. Now, back to the topic at hand: Great London Odyssey. What is it?_

**a nice way of say i’ve made the life decision of being homeless even though i have a friend who quite eagerly tries to pressure me into staying with him.**

_Hmm. That is interesting._

_I think if we took our problems and reactions to them to a psychiatrist, they would be more concerned about yours, don’t you?_

**har har har**

_It was well deserved._

**well, mister-i-can-read-people’s-minds, what am I going to say next?**

_Since when did I say I could read minds? But the answer to your question is either piss off or fuck off._

**and the gold star goes too…**

_I accept it proudly._

**u shouldn’t**

_I do so anyways._

**>. <**

_How cute._

* * *

_How’s the Odyssey?_

**managed to con myself a pint and plate of nachos before sleeping on my jacket on the doorstep in an alleyway last night. got a free cab ride to a park where a tourist handed me a tenner which i’m currently using on a pint.**

_How interesting. How do you manage it?_

**wouldn’t know.**

_Hm._

**look cant talk – i’m about to get a bed and shower for the night.**

_OK, bye._

* * *

_Did you score?_

**yup i got a dinner of beans & mash, a lukewarm shower, a lumpy bed, laundry done, and a decent fuck. pretty good, all & all.**

_Your Odyssey inspired me to watch Naked. Have you seen it?_

**that the one where david thewlis rapes a woman & is a charming yet misogynistic asshole?**

_So you’ve seen it._

**what else do u think inspired my odyssey?**

_I had wondered about that._

**yup, that’s the story. me and my bud james are trying to plan our future 3 days after secondary school and i saw the movie and decided i wanted to do that, the odyssey part, not the misogyny. it seemed fun. i haven’t regretted it yet.**

_Good – about the misogyny part. I probably would’ve stopped talking to you if that had been the case._

**don’t worry. i used to be a woman myself so i’m all for equality.**

_That’s good. Not sure how to react to your revelation though._

**u don’t need to react; it’s not a big deal.**

_This is going to sound really stupid but how do you have sex?_

**wow, rlly?**

_Sorry._

**i have sex like normal men do. the only differences are my dick being artificial and i can’t get women pregnant.**

_Ah. I’m not very knowledgeable about the details of transitioning (that’s the right word, right?)._

**yeah, it’s called transitioning and i’d rather not talk about it with a stranger who i found because his # is written in 12 different places in london.**

_Understandable_

**bye**

_Bye?_

* * *

_Did I upset you?_

**wat?**

_You kind of shut down the last conversation pretty quickly._

**oh, no. bridgett had gotten up. she made me breakfast and then kicked me out.**

_Ah._

_What’re you doing now?_

**just walking down manor road, texting and smoking**

_Hm… Not sure I know where that is._

**I’m a walking map.**

_That’s nice._

**ok, so what’s up? like, why r we still talking?**

_Because I’m bored and you having nothing better to do?_

**ur boring me and i have plenty better i could be doing**

_Do you want to stop talking?_

**not particularly but I’d prefer it if our conversation wasn’t so bloody boring**

_Fine. What are you wearing?_

**OH MY GOD R U TRYING TO SEXT ME??!!**

_Don’t yell._

**U TRIED SEXTING ME!!!**

_It’s more interesting isn’t it?_

**u really r a gigolo.**

_At least you stopped yelling._

**U REALLY R A GIGOLO ARNT U?**

_Yes, a total gigolo. Last night I had a threesome with two buxom blondes who were named Candy and Sandy. I picked them up at the local dance club where the bouncer knows me personally._

**really?**

_No, you fucktard, sarcasm._

**jeesh, no need to get snippy. just get laid.**

_I’ll leave that to you._

**Good, i’ll leave u so i can go get laid. ta**

_Ciao._


	3. The Third Number

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The technobabble bit of this chapter is utter bullshit, fyi.

**leather jacket, jeans with holes, a black top, and combat boots.**

_What?_

**that’s what i’m wearing**

_That’s nice. I’m wearing Kermit the Frog pajamas and a grey v-neck._

**how sexy -.-**

_Oh wait, are you trying to sext me?_

**i have nothing better to do**

_Yeah, that thing was a joke. I wasn’t serious._

**i’m sirius, always sirius.**

_What?_

**my name is Sirius.**

_Oh. Remus._

**how nice. do u have a twin?**

_Fuck you._

**u get asked that a lot, don’t u?**

_Yeah. I don’t have a twin, I’ve never had a twin. My parent’s just don’t know how to name children._

**join the club**

_You’re right. At least it’s not as bad as SIRIUS. Siriusly? Are you fucking sirius?_

**yes, fuck u, and i’ll stick my hand down my pants to make that last one true, if u want.**

_What about public indecency?_

**it’s midnight and i’m sitting on a flat cardboard box in an alleyway – it’s not very public if u ask me**

_Still. That’s just gross._

**oh u poor prude. how was secondary school for u?**

_Home-schooled, tyvm._

**oh u poor, sheltered prude. how’s life been?**

_Well enough, tyvm, though evidently someone has taken it upon themselves to write my number in every public place they can._

**i haven’t seen any more lately.**

_Small miracles._

**any ideas regarding the identity of the # tagger?**

_Nope. All I have since the last time we spoke are cat scratches and grapes._

**yum, grapes. haven’t had many grapes on my odyssey. fresh stuff costs money and i’m trying to live as poor a life as possible.**

_Do you go to soup kitchens or shelters?_

**HELL NO!!! the point of my odyssey is self-identification which won’t happen if i’m eating in soup kitchens or sleeping in shelters.**

_How dramatic._

**u aren’t the first to say so.**

_I’d hope not._

_Well, any realizations about yourself?_

**fleas love me**

_…gross_

**i was disturbed at first by all the bugs (there are far too many for english weather) but not anymore**

_Again, gross._

**u poor, sheltered, bug-phobic prude.**

_You filthy mongrel._

**oi! that was mean!**

_It’s true._

**fine, u grumpy gigolo. if u want to be mean, go be mean elsewhere.**

_Fine >.<_

* * *

POSH GIGOLO is calling: accept or deny?

Sirius accepted the call.

“…generate the haptic SDD protocol, that should input the RAM driver and allow the auxiliary ADP driver to open to outside use,” the speaker, who Sirius didn’t understand for a second, whose voice was rough like Velcro, paused to suck in a rattling breath.

“Are you alright?” another speaker, a woman whose high-pitched voice made him cringe, asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” the first speaker responded. “With outside use enabled, the APD driver’s index SSL program should be readily accessible and properly organized.”

“That’s what I want, right?” the woman asked.

“Yes,” the man responded. The sound of shuffling paper drifted through the phone.

“Wonderful,” the woman gleefully said. “That’ll cost how much?”

“Five-hundred pounds.”

The woman sucked in a loud breath before sighing. “Expensive.” The man made no sound. “Who should I make the check out to?”

“Lupin Electronics, please.” It was clear as the man said this that he would choking back a cough.

“Bad cold?” the woman queried, the sound of scribbling accompanying her question.

“It’s a chronic thing, nothing serious.”

“You poor thing,” the woman murmured. “Alright, here you go.” There was the sound of tearing paper and rustling jewelry. “Thank you for your help, dear, it’s greatly appreciated.”

“It’s my job ma’am.” There was a pause, some shuffling, and then he continued. “Thank you for your business.”

* * *

**ur a techie?**

_What?_

**u butt dialed me and u were talking with a woman about tech and business. lupin electronics or something?**

_You listened to an entire business transaction, did you?_

**yeah, i did. no shame.**

_No ethics either._

_But yes, I run a tech business called Lupin Electronics._

**u also have this terrible cough**

_Yeah, I do. So?_

**u said it was chronic? wat is it?**

_Quite personal aren’t you? Did it ever occur to you that I might not want to share intimate details regarding my health with you?_

**srry, srry. was just curious.**

_Yes, well, stay curious. I’d rather not be defined by my condition._

**ok, ok. i’m sorry i brought it up.**

_You should also apologize for eavesdropping on my business conversations._

**ur the one that called me, even if u didn’t do on purpose.**

_Still, you knew what was going on and didn’t hang up, choosing to listen to something that didn’t involve you instead._

**alright, i apologize for eavesdropping on ur stupid conversation.**

_Thank you._

**now i’m going to say goodbye be4 u make me apologize 4 more shit.**

_Goodbye._

* * *

**i had an interesting experience 2day.**

_What was it?_

**i met a ww2 veteran today. where shared a couple pints and fags and he told me about the war. it was pretty cool.**

_I’ll save my disdain regarding the fags for another day if you tell me about it._

**har har. his name was albus dumbledore and he was in love with one of the german soldiers, gellert grindalwald or something. he ended up having to kill gellert because he was the enemy and shit and he’s been haunted ever since. never loved again.**

_How heartbreaking._

**he said that he’s ok with it now (you’d hope so with how long its been since ww2) because he’ll get 2 see him in heaven.**

_How wonderful._

**yeah, innit?**

_That was sarcasm._

**ur not religious?**

_Very not religious. No-Christmas very not religious._

**so extreme atheist?**

_Yes. Certainly if there was a God, my life wouldn’t have gone the way it went._

**and u called me dramatic**

_It’s true. If there is a God, my life’s his shitter._

**again, u called me dramatic**

_I suppose it’s a rather out-there statement, but it’s true. I’d rather not say why (very personal, I hope you understand) but it’s true._

**s’ok mate. u’ve got no obligation to tell me ur past, but if you ever want to talk, i’m here.**

_Thank you._

**of course.**


	4. The Fourth Text

**ur one of those health nuts that wants fags banned, arnt u?**

_Since I was smoking one when you texted me, I’d say no._

**oh**

**but u mentioned going on about them yesterday?**

_They’re awful, four inch sticks of death frankly, but I still smoke them. My doctor probably rips out her hair over it, but eh, what can you do?_

**not smoke them?**

_If I’m going to die, I’m going to enjoy it._

**i probably shouldn’t ask, but ur condition…**

_Don’t._

**got it**

**so anyway, bad news.**

_Bad news?_

**albus. found him lying in a puddle of his own vomit this morning – wasn’t breathing. i guess he’s with gellert now.**

_Gag. But also, truly a shame. No one should die in a puddle of their own vomit. I hope he enjoyed his final moments, nonetheless._

**yea, it’s a shame. that’s definitely not how i want to go. i want to be old, surrounded by children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.**

_How soppy._

**how about u?**

_I want to be responsible for my own death._

**WHAT?!**

_Don’t worry, I’m not going to run out a kill myself tomorrow. I just don’t want to die because of some predetermined factor. If I’m going to die, I’m going to die by my hand, the way I want to be._

**u realize the more u talk, the more i think u have cancer.**

_I don’t have Cancer._

**u make it sound like u do though.**

_Nonetheless, I don’t have Cancer._

**r u sure?**

_If you’re going to be second-guessing my knowledge of my body, then I’m going to say goodbye._

**DON’T GO!!!**

 

* * *

_So how’s the wanderlust treating you?_

**well enough. went skinny-dipping in the thames with a busty brunette last night.**

_How… unsanitary. If you get a dick disease, I won’t speak to you anymore._

**I KNEW IT!!**

_Don’t yell._

**srry. anyway, i knew u were only interested in my dick and i finally got u to admit to it.**

_I am not ashamed to admit to it. Why else would I be texting a person who CHOOSES to be homeless?_

**for a moment i thought we had a connection, but i was only deluding myself.**

_Yes, yes you were._

**well, as far as i know, i didn’t catch any dick diseases**

_Get tested in a month – then you can talk._

**i solemnly swear that one month from today, i will get tested for dick diseases.**

_Good. And in the meantime, no sex for you._

**WHAT?! NO SEX?!**

_Yes, no sex._

**BUT WHAT IF MY DICK SHRIVELS UP FROM LACK OF USE?**

_It’ll be cut off if you don’t stop screaming at me._

**u really don’t like all-caps, do u?**

_Not at all. No-caps are better than all-caps._

**if u say so**

_I do say so._

**fine**

**so anyway – the busty brunette.**

_Yes, tell me all about your score._

**i’m going to pretend that wasn’t sarcasm and talk anyway. so her name was natilie and she was an ANIMAL – like handcuffs and rope and daddy kink dirty. it was AWESOME!! also she paid for my pints and dinner, let me use her shower and washer &dryer, and served me eggy bread for breakfast.**

_French toast?_

**that’s what u take from my story?**

_Well, I don’t care about your kinky sex and I’m glad that you cleaned up. Happy?_

**not so much, but i’ll deal. how about u? did u score?**

_No, I worked on Mrs. Harcott’s computer and watched the Original Series Star Trek._

**GEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!**

_My too-big jumpers, mismatched socks, black box glasses, significant vinyl collection, and member loyalty card to an indie coffee shop says otherwise._

**OHMYGOD**

**UR A HIPSTER!!!!**

_Yes, I’m a hipster._

**HOLY FUCK I’M TALKING TO A HIPSTER!!!**

_STOP YELLING!!!_

**ok ok, but still, there goes my punk cred. punks don’t talk to hipsters.**

_Oh you poor punk._

**yes, poor punk me!**

_Well, I shall stop talking to you to save your punkness._

**what? did i hear something?**

_Cheerio, Sirius._

**Nah, I didn’t hear anything.**

 

* * *

 

**ok, so james doesn’t understand my punk v. hipster issue and refuses to talk to me so hi!**

_So we’re talking again?_

**since james wants to be a dick, yes.**

_James is your friend?_

**yea, but he doesn’t approve of my homelessness and refuses to talk to me unless i’m dying or want to come live w him.**

_How kind._

**how not kind.**

_He’s offering you his house so I say kind._

**if i had anyone else to talk to, i wouldn’t put up with this shit**

_Oh, you poor punk thing._

**hmph**

_How’s the life?_

**good. no new lays, but i got to talk a ride in a cop car**

_Excuse me?_

**he gave me a ride for a couple blocks – he didn’t arrest me.**

_Good. I don’t talk to jailbirds._

**u know, i’m sure there are plenty of jailbirds who’d want ur coughing ass.**

_I appreciate their desire but can’t say I accept it._

**but they want u so bad!!**

_I guess they haven’t spoken to my ex-wife._

**HOLY FUCK!!!**

_You don’t know how hard I’m laughing right now._

**so you don’t have an ex-wife?**

_Yes, I do, and a two yr old son._

**HOLY FUCK!!!**

**A MAN CAN ONLY TAKE SO MANY REVELATIONS.**

_Are you sure you’re a man? ‘Cause you sure are taking this like a little boy._

**JACKASS!!!**

_STOP YELLING!!!_

**NO!!!**

_FINE! GOODBYE!_

**u didn’t really leave, did u?**

_Yes._

**Hardy har har.**

_Really, it’s not big deal. I’ve got and ex-wife and a son, so what? Plenty of people my age do._

**ur age? i just realized u could be like double my age.**

_I’m 26._

**oh, we’re the same age.**

_That’s nice._

**and i guess ur right about the whole plenty-of-other-people-are-like-that. james has got a wife &kid. did she divorce u because of ur condition? **

_No – we just weren’t meant to be._

**how nice and rehearsed.**

_It’s true._

**sureeee**

**so u’ve got a kid?**

_He’s 2 and his name is Teddy. Dora has him full time and we have a daddy-day every Saturday._

**so tomorrow?**

_Yes._

**ahhh**

_I sense disappointment._

**u’ve become a regular pleasure in my life that i won’t have 2morrow.**

_You’ll have me, just a little less of me._

**u promise?**

_Yes, you big baby._

**thank u**

_Of course._


	5. The Fifth Number

**hows gigolo jr?**

_Most certainly not a gigolo. Also, he’s sick._

**oh. sick like u?**

_No, thank God._

**thought u didn’t believe in god?**

_I don’t, it’s merely an expression._

**ik, jeesh. so flu or something?**

_Yeah, flu. I’ve spent the day sipping coffee on my ex-wife’s couch with his grandmother giving me disapproving glares as we collectively worry about Teddy._

**oh u poor, posh father.**

_I think you might want to sit down, I have a revelation to make._

**sitting down on a fire escape**

_I’m not posh._

**UR NOT?! everything i know has been a lie!**

_I’m terribly sorry to have lead you on, but it felt nice to not be looked at like something someone dragged out of the gutter._

**that how you ex-mother in law sees u?**

_Oh most certainly. Also didn’t help that I knocked up her eighteen year old daughter on accident, married her, then spent most of our marriage fixing computers or smoking on the fire escape. Also, they’re posh and I’m not._

**so u were once posh?**

_Once, but no longer._

_Oh dear._

**what?**

_MIL is scolding me for being on my phone when my son is sick, despite the fact he’s sleeping next to me on the couch._

**can’t win, can u?**

_Nope, and I have to go. Ciao._

**ciao.**

* * *

 

**it’s sunday so r u free of the ex-wife and mother-in-law?**

_Dora convinced me to sleep in the guest room. I’m afraid MIL is going to come in with a kitchen knife and murder me so I can’t sleep._

**oh u poor, not posh thing.**

_Still disappointed about the not-poshness thing?_

**well, it was most certainly a disappointment. i use to be posh myself, but then i was disowned. i was hoping to marry back in.**

_I’m sure you were also interested in marrying me because I’ll probably die before I’m fifty and you’ll still be young enough to enjoy my life-insurance policy._

**r u sure u don’t have cancer? cause the more u talk, the more i think u do.**

_I. Don’t. Have. Cancer._

**jeesh, no need to get grouchy.**

**unless, like, ur mum died of cancer and if so i’m so srry.**

_No, my mother didn’t die of Cancer. She and my father died in a car crash when I was four._

**ohmygod, i’m so srry.**

_S’alright. I don’t remember them._

**that’s even worse.**

_My uncle was ever worse. Smoked like a stack-house, like to have loud, violent sex with people who didn’t even look legal, and always told me to buck-up when I was having a fit._

**fit?**

_Seizures. My COPD is a more recent development._

**oh**

**i hope i’m not crossing any lines but what is copd?**

_A lung disease that blocks airflow. Smokers over forty are usually the sufferers but I was pre-disposed to it due to some genetic shit. I can thank my uncle for giving me COPD and not giving one shit when I was having a grand mal seizure. Frankly, I’m lucky I’m alive right now. He was the type to tell you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps no matter what shit was going on._

**dear lord plz tell me he’s in jail?**

_No, he’s living in the middle of nowhere and sends me Christmas cards every year despite the fact he knows I don’t celebrate._

**holy shit. i’ve never wanted to murder someone i’ve never met before but i totally want 2 murder ur uncle now.**

_Join the group. We’ve got shirts._

**plz and thank you.**

_I hope you don’t mind me changing the subject to something less depressing, but how’s your day been?_

**fine.**

**but first: thanks for sharing this with me.**

_You’re welcome._

**ran into james and his family at the park, we had some fun, james begged me to come live with them, i said no, and he handed me a hundred pounds. i ate well, paid my phone bill which james normally does, and now i’m curled up on a park bench.**

_Is it worth it?_

**what?**

_All the struggles the go along with your life. Is being cold and hungry and dirty really worth the revelations that go along with it?_

**i don’t think i can answer for anyone but myself, but i think it’s worth it. i’ve been privileged all my life. i come from a very rich and snobby family and how i live now is the complete opposite of how i grew up and that’s really the best thing imo. it’s not for everyone, and i realize i’m still privileged because i chose this and can choose to end it unlike most homeless people, but i like it.**

_Sounds like you’ve thought about this before._

**of course i have. i’m not just brainless good looks.**

_Never thought anything less._

* * *

 

_save me_

**breakfast time?**

_Just got done. Now I’m sitting on the couch watching Teddy draw something as MIL knits and glares at me and Dora is doing coursework._

**sounds fun.**

_It’s bloody brilliant._

**what’s teddy drawing?**

_I asked him and he said “mummy and daddy love”._

**how beautiful.**

_Yes, beautiful. And in other words, breakfast was horrible._

**how so?**

_MIL let Dora cook, and Dora can’t cook to save her life so we had blackened pancakes and runny eggs._

**yum**

_It was delicious, not. The entire time MIL was going on about Dora’s college work and how proud she was and then she asked did you go to college? like I used to live here, I was married to your daughter for two years, and I’m here every Saturday – you know the answer. The answer is yes, btw, I have a masters in engineering._

**wow, a masters. i’ve got an associates in geography.**

**yeah, yeah. i’m decided to do something with my life rather than spend it planning cities or some shit.**

_I didn’t know being homeless was doing something with your life._

**u watch it mister or i’ll hunt u down and make u smell my armpits**

_I’m terrified._

_GTG, Teddy._

* * *

 

_I’m free!_

**great?**

_It’s wonderful! No Mrs. Tonks glaring at me and trying to embarrass me and no awkward interactions with Dora. I miss Teddy but I’ll see him next week._

**is it really so great though? i assume ur going back to ur lonely flat with ur cats, planning on watching something geeky like star trek and working on a computer. certainly spending time with ur child is better than that?**

_Where is Sirius and what did you do to him?_

**just curious.**

_For your information, I’m not going home._

**u going to a pub?**

_No._

**where?**

_A favorite place of mine that I won’t tell you about._

**i feel discriminated against**

_I feel insulted._

**cry baby**

_The same can be said for you._

**oh piss off**

_Gladly._

* * *

 

**did u know there r protests going on in soho?**

_No, funnily enough, I did not know._

**i’m ignoring ur snark.**

_I expected nothing less. So, tell me about this protest._

**it’s for wage equality and shit, good stuff of course, but basically i asked what was going on, a man handed me a sign, and told me that if i stick around til the end, i’ll get a pint and maybe a place to stay.**

_That’s good._

**yea. taking a break atm cause it’s hot down here and like no one is paying attention 2 us.**

_Well, you’re in Soho. This protest is better suited for West Minister._

**yea i guess, whatever.**

_Well I wish you luck on your protesting._

**so what r u doing?**

_Watching Netflix. What else is there to do on a Sunday?_

**protest, drink, party. also thought u were going out?**

_No, no, no, and I lied._

**ur boring.**

_I do my best._

**yeah, well, rn protesting is more interesting than talking to u. byeeee!**

_Bye._

* * *

 

_So how did the protesting go?_

**how the fuck would i know? all i did was hold a sign and chant equality over and over.**

_OK, how did the afterwards go?_

**oh, that. got drinks with a bunch of hipster college trash and was hit on by a forty-year old barmaid. i went home with the barmaid.**

_You really have a thing against hipsters, don’t you?_

**they’re trash.**

_I disagree._

**yea and i don’t care. i got a good lay, my clothes are in her wash, she fed me good, and i got a nice long shower.**

_You know, the more you talk, the more I think YOU’RE the trash._

**HEYY!!**

_You’re a bum who sleeps with anyone who’ll let you, and then use their facilities because your too lazy to get your own place._

**I THOUGHT U UNDERSTOOD ME!!!**

_I THOUGHT WE AGREED ON NO YELLING!!!_

**pedantic bastard**

_destitute gigolo_

**HEY! ur the gigolo here.**

_My wife and I got divorced because I’m asexual. Really doubt that’s the behavior of a gigolo._

**oh.**

_What?_

**srry?**

_There is absolutely nothing you need to apologize for, or feel sorry for me about. I’m perfectly fine and happy without sex._

**that’s good. just didn’t know we were sharing sexualities now?**

_It was relevant to the conversation._

**Sureee. Well, i’m pansexual. i’ll fuck anyone if i think their attractive. but i’m also demiromantic – u know, don’t start romantic relationships before i get to know a person. and i’m trans, which u know.**

_I also didn’t realize this was a sexuality confessional, but I’ll bite. Biromantic, cis male, and asexual._

**good to know. us queers got to stick together.**

_I suppose?_

**ohgod don’t tell me you don’t know anyone else that’s queer?**

_Dora’s bi and genderfluid. And my uncle’s bi or pan and aromantic (I think). But that’s it._

**that’s it?**

_I don’t talk to many people._

**OHHHH it’s one of those situations.**

_One of what situations?_

**ur a friendless loser.**

_Oh, yeah._

**well, now u have a least 1 friend in ur corner.**

_Thanks?_

**i’d hope ur a lot more appreciative than that!**

_THANK YOU!_

**that’s better.**

_Of course it is._


	6. The Sixth Number

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Underlined is Regulus.

**guess** **what guess what guess what**

_What?_

**i found ur #**

_Wow. I’d forgotten all about that._

**the fact u can forget all about that no longer surprises me and that’s sad.**

_That’s me._

**that’s life.**

_What?_

**i may or may not have tried to cheesily quote buffy.**

_Oh, I got you. Once More With Feeling – they’re in the Bronze, Sweet is watching, and Buffy was just uncontrollably dancing before Spike steps in and saves her._

**wow.**

_I watch too much Netflix._

**i’m starting to wonder if ur more geek than hipster.**

_Will it make you like me better?_

**yes**

_Then I’m more geek than hipster._

**good good.**

_So what are you doing?_

**txting you?**

_Besides that, Captain Obvious._

**eating nachos.**

_Yummm._

**for some reason i want 2 say that’s sarcasm.**

_Wow. Am I that predictable?_

**a bit yeah.**

_Fuck._

**yup. so wat’s so wrong with nachos?**

_I can’t stomach Mexican. Well, not literally, I just don’t like it._

**shame. wat do u like?**

_Middle Eastern, African, and Asian. Not a big fan of the rest of the world’s diet, though Greek ain’t bad._

**interesting. seems like a vaguely hipster diet.**

_Maybe?? I don’t get out much._

**why not?**

_I’m pathetic?_

**evidently not pathetic enough for someone not to tag ur # everywhere.**

_Again, thank you for that oh so helpful reminder._

**ur welcome! :D**

_Smilies? Are we on smiley terms now?_

**sure. why the hell not?**

_Okay. Just so you know :/ is my usual face._

**how beautiful. ;) is my usual.**

_You’re usually winking?_

**i’m usually smirking but it’s a bit hard to smirk so just think cheeky**

_Ahhh_

_So how was your day?_

**good. i miss netflix now that u mention it.**

_Okay?_

**well i was just thinking since u’ve mentioned it a couple times. there’s a lot of things u take for granted that i’ve come to see now.**

_Cool, cool. Other things you’ve noticed?_

**shelter, running water, showers on demand, food on demand, etc. internet. cars? all the walking was kinda tiring at first but –shrugs–**

_So lots of stuff? Everything?_

**yea**

_Hm._

**yea. i’m done with my nachos now so bye!**

_Bye._

 

* * *

_I hate you._

**wat?**

_You got me watching Buffy again. There are so many better things for me to be doing and/or watching but instead I’m curled up on the couch with my tv remote and Salem._

**salem? who the hell is salem?**

_My cat._

**ur cat?**

_I have cats, remember? I’ve mentioned them. You’ve mentioned them._

**o yea.**

**cats as in plural? how many?**

_4\. Salem, Johannesburg (Jo), Igor and Charles Babbage (Babby)._

**at least u don’t name ur cats after painters or tigger. james’ cat is named tigger. he’s a jerk.**

_Cats are jerks. And painters?_

**my brother is a crazy cat boy. he’s got a lot of them and he’s named them all after artists.**

_Ahh._

**ohmygod just got it! salem is from sabrina the teenage witch right?**

_Yes. Jo and Igor were just because I like the names and Charles Babbage is the inventor of the computer._

_ _

_This is Salem._

**oh he’s cute. and as for babby’s name, one word: GEEK!**

_I got Babby when he was college, kay? I thought it was cool then. Dora thought it was lame but whatever._

**dora was totally right.**

_Piss off. I gave you a cat picture! That at least buys me freedom from insults for a day._

**sorry. that’s not how it works.**

_Damn._

_So what are you doing?_

**pondering the future while i eat hot pockets and gag on incense?**

_I’m not sure I understand?_

**i don’t either**

_Can you explain what you do know?_

**i’m at my brothers. he’s a bit unique, let’s just say, and he read my cards today.**

_Cards?_

**tarot. as i said, unique.**

_Okay… what’s your reading?_

**the hermit, the high priestess, strength, the lovers, the moon, and the chariot.**

_I thought Tarot was 7 of Swords and stuff like that? Also, what?_

**to ur second question: idk. to ur first question: i think there are two ways? ask him, i guess, but he’s a bit incapacitated at the moment.**

_Incapacitated?_

**drowning in fumes and cats so much he’s napping. poor thing**

_I really don’t understand the turn this conversation has taken._

**that’s the reaction most people have to my brother. like, he used to be the good, proper, and boring son but then mum finally got institutionalized, dad’s dead, bella’s in prison and cissa is too busy with her sprog so he, without the pressures of those awful people aka family, decided to be himself. and he’s fucking weird.**

_Okay… Your mum was institutionalized, your dad is dead, and Bella(?) is in prison? I don’t know anymore._

**best that way honestly. my family is a bunch of fucking sociopaths. ‘cept mum. she’s schizo.  also ‘cept me, andy, and reg. reg is a hippie but that’s as crazy as he gets.**

_Okay… I don’t know what to say at the moment so I’ll settle with sorry?_

**good enough for me.**

**oh fuck.**

_What?_

**picasso and warhol just got in the herb box. gtg.**

_Picasso and Warhol? What?_

* * *

**srry bout that. picasso and warhol are 2 of 8 cats my brother has. like i said, he names that after artists since he’s all artsy and stuff.**

_Oh. Okay. I was worried there for a moment that maybe the incense had gone to your head._

**fraid reg didn’t break THAT out today. said he wasn’t feeling it but honestly i think he’d already did some before i stopped by.**

_Let me get this straight: your brother is a hippie, a stoner, and a crazy cat person?_

**also an artist**

_Ahhh_

**he’s unique but he’s family – good family. i love him.**

_That’s sweet._

**sickeningly. he’s letting me stay over too, which is always nice. i tend to come here when i don’t feel like sleeping outside since james has a kid and all. reg doesn’t mind. he’s very family orientated and since me and andy are all he’s got left i think he really likes it.**

_That’s great. Really, it is, and not in a bad way._

_I’ll be honest with you, and I’m sure this doesn’t come as a surprise, but I’m not really used to people going on about family and stuff. My uncle is the only family I had for so long and I hate him with all my heart. Then I got Dora, and I loved her, I really did, but it didn’t work out. And now I have Teddy and I guess I see why people are blind and stupid when it comes to family with him now but at the same time I don’t?_

_I’d throw myself in front of a bullet for Teddy, for Dora too, but it would be sub-consciously. If I thought about it, even for a second, I probably wouldn’t and I don’t know if I would cry at first or break down into a sobbing, uncontrollable mess or whatever parents are supposed to do._

_And god I sound like a terrible person because Teddy is my SON and love him. Light of my life and all that shit. But still… I just don’t understand it?_

**i don’t know what to say.**

**well here’s one: you’re not a bad person for saying that. ur life up until now has molded u into reacting that way and that.isn’t.ur.fault. kay? that’s ur uncles. but as for family…**

.

.

_Sirius?_

Hi! This is Regulus, Sirius’ brother. He hopes you don’t mind that he turned this question over to me and explained enough to give me background. Anyway, here goes: the Qur’an says “And be careful of your duty to God in whose name you demand your rights from one another, and to the ties of relationship; surely God is ever watchful over you!" (4:1) Jafar As-Sadiq, descendant and successor of the Prophet Muhammad, states that "It means the family relationship. Surely God the most high has ordered it to be regarded and has magnified it. Do you not observe that He has mentioned it with Himself." [continued]

Family is the base unit of life. It is where we start and where we die – well, for the most part. Every rule has it’s exceptions, as you know. Family is so intrinsic that it is put up there with God, Allah, whatever deity you pray to. [continued]

I have just been informed you are not religious, bordering on anti-religious. Apologies. [continued]

Let’s look at this from a non-religious point of view. Lawrence Wilson, MD, wrote in entire article on the subject that can be boiled down to this: “family is the base unit of society.” He states that it is the base sexual unit, the base child-rearing unit, the base communication unit, and the base all-around fun and friendship unit. Other forms of societal arrangement, ones that aren’t based around family, haven’t worked on the large-scale, century to eon long-scale that the family-based arrangement has. [continued]

But a stuffy old MD is not what you asked about. You asked for a more personal explanation of the importance of family. [continued]

It’s hard to sum up what is so important about family. I suppose my own attachment to my delusional, paranoid schizophrenic mother comes from the fact that she gave birth to me. That’s a hard attachment to sever. Ask Sirius. He was vehemently against the beliefs our family upheld generation after generation but still he would cry in his room night after night because he loved them and wanted their approval and support of him despite how he differed from them. And from our mothers, we’re introduced to the rest of the family. The father, despite how neglectful and cold he could be, is still someone who gave us half our genetic material. And the rest of our families, to some degree. Blood is thicker than water is a saying for a reason. [continued]

So that’s how I’ve boiled it down. I apologize for the messy, disorganized thought process of my response, and also for writing you an essay. I’ll turn this back over to Sirius now but I do hope that I helped some.

_Huh._

**oh dear lord he wrote an essay.**

_That he did. Thank him for me, would you?_

**kay**

**he says ur welcome.**

_I’ll need to think about this I guess. Also, Sirius, from the way you described you brother, I did not expect an essay._

**did i mention his creative talents include writing?**

_No._

**yeah. one of his cats is named hemmingway.**

_Okay… Anyway, again thank him for the essay and let me think about this._

**kay. ttyl?**

_TTYL._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised Regulus will have a more in-depth explanation next chapter.


End file.
